Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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