You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
