Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
