I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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