LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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