i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
