The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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