my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
