Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
