I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
