he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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