my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
