I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
