Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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