i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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