So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
