turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
