she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
