i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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