I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
