It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
