she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
third nipple confirmed
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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