i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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