my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
