I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
