I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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