I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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