Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
