end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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