someone threw a dead crab at me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.