i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
