I wish my penis had an off switch
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
