She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You left your phone here
Wait...
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