what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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