haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
