shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
