Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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