I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she told me i tasted like america
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
