"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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