it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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