Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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