TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
