Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He had one of those small greek statue penises
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
