Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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