I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
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God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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