if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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