He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
