can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
