I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
