bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
