i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
