booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
