I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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