remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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